>>93523045 >>Gentle Ruthlessness (Yako, Maru(maru), Last Rite, Marrow, Reaper, and various mentions.) >https://rentry.org/y4dpiune --- It's good to see more of Chihiro. Since you specified being open to advice/criticism, I'll point out more issues, than I normally would, the bar being that: if it bothered me at all, I'll mention it. As such, a lot of those might just be weird to me as an ESL, and you may be better off ignoring them. Doubly so considering I'm a bit tired both while reading the writefag and writing this review. Also, because of that, the review might be at times incoherent because I also don't have the strength to proofread it. --- >What few rays of light that come from above had gathered on one spot- a pile of corpses all laid face down. This reads a bit odd. Aren't the tenses mixed up here? Also, something that appears again later on, I have never seen a dash (in function; the character used here is a hyphen, I can ignore that, though because typing out dashes can be annoying), with a space on only one side is I have never seen done on purpose, only either spaces on both sides or none, depending on the style guide. >the ground where all the bodies were piled up... wasn't flat. It was subtle, but the ground was gently curved into a mound. Again, I'm more sensitive to it than most, so you can safely ignore this, but the "ground" being twice here in two sentences back to back bothers me. >he backpack filled "Her"? >She listened in as some of the nearby students was guessing "Were guessing"? >Thankfully, Hoge's parents were dissuaded. At least for the moment. The class banded together- her classmates all stood up for Hoge. I have no idea what it is, but something about this doesn't make it flow right. Maybe it's too split apart? It could be better if the middle sentence was just a part of another one? And in the last sentence, the parts before the dash and after the dash, feel repetitive in their meaning. >Hoge was adamant about matter. "The matter"? >The two of them would do that anyway however, so it wasn't much of a concession. Shouldn't there be another comma before "however"? >Tension was still high Doesn't this phrase normally use the plural? >I have a spare Futon Why is "futon" once capitalized and once it isn't? If that was an attempt at representing a polite speech, then, since that's her futon, she should be using the humble speech (kenjougo), so capitalizing doesn't quite fit that. I'm probably reading too much into this, I don't even know if Chihiro uses keigo to speak with her friends. >"...to 'help me' " I'd put a space after the ellipsis. > "But.. Chris.. Chris would never forgive me if he knew.." I don't believe two periods are a standard punctuation sign, but I suspect this might have been a line copied from Sally's writefag. >Honestly it was impressive how much he got around. Shouldn't there be a comma after the "honestly"? >If you were causing trouble somewhere else it the world "In the world"? >He felt like he was sitting between a fearless tiger and all-powerful dragon. Articles still cause me trouble, but shouldn't it be "an all-powerful dragon"? >All that's left is signing some paper work I believe it's "paperwork" without space in this context. >barely knew how their quirks worked , not dealing with the five, Needless space before a comma. --- The dream builds into Chihiro's continues self-flagellation. Since she hasn't been a lead in a writefag recently, adding it as a sort of reminder of her main theme isn't bad. I do hope we'll get some big break in her dealing with her past soon, though. The build-up is there, I hope the pay-off is not far off. I want to see her being happy. And in a less forced way than: >She once again remembered- positivity! I mean, it's something, certainly better than nothing, a sign that there is at least a bit of impetus in her to get better, probably planted there by her friends, but I hope she'll internalize it more in the future, instead of having to remind herself of it like that. The oneness with nature, does add to her image of a Forest Hermit. It's a surprisingly peaceful side to a supposedly inherently villainous Quirk. Seeing her side of the situation from other writefags was interesting. The way she tried to greet security guards through CCTV was cute. I appreciate that not the entire 1E is out for 1D's blood. It increases the chances for the future reconciliation. Calling the situation "not that bad" after the school attack, during which her former classmate died, seems a bit odd, but I guess her bar for "that bad" requiring a pile of corpses does make some sense. Dropping a direct quote from Hoge's parents trying to pull her out, helps bind those two more closely, especially for those who didn't read it as recently as I did. Reminders like that are good when it's been a while, and they aren't too long. Chihiro feeling overly conscious about her own actions fits her. It's not something quite right for her to do, but I understand it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but there was a discussion in the past about how Hoge should only treat Chihiro as her sensei in the dojo, right? I guess, she succeeded at that, considering those flicks to the forehead. I hope Hoge's optimism pays off, but I feel like it's too simple. She may care about Hoge, but the way that scene is worded, makes it feel like it skipped a couple of steps. Should something as core as the devaluation of the role of family values over friends, be described in such an offhanded manner, with barely two paragraphs from a perspective of the friend? I'm not sure if that was the intent, but that's the impression it left on me. Otherwise, it'd feel a bit too exposition-like. Chihiro's sense of energy getting precise enough to tell apart her friends is a neat, quick way to present how her Quirk develops. I liked it. Chihiro thinking someone else would be more qualified to help Sally is understandable, but her stepping up to the task, since she's the only one there, is commendable. I pointed out before that this dialogue between Sally and Chihiro felt a bit awkward. As such, seeing Chihiro's side of it is interesting, and helps clarify what had transpired. It does sit slightly on the fence, like she does think about what she knows about Desolator, but then again acts a bit oblivious to how her advice would be taken, and like as if she didn't expect it might lead to Sally working with him. The extra line of reassurance is nice. Chihiro using her experiences with her classmates like that proves their effort isn't going to waste. We just need to pump her full of positive memories, and she'll learn from them, maybe even start applying them to herself. I did not expect Sandatsu to show up there. I'm not sure if I like the readability of his font, but it's not terrible, and keeping it consistent with his writefags does add to the experience. Chihiro's reaction to him surprises me a bit. On one hand, she does have quite a strong moral core; otherwise she wouldn't want to repent so desperately, but it being so limited in scope to only those close to her feels... peculiar. It's not necessarily wrong. Even makes it a bit more nuanced, I think. It's just not something I'd imagine her to be like before this. What does feel wrong, however, is: >I only really want to kill you because you're in my way. First she's ignoring him, and then says she really wants to kill him? And that's how she describes her reason. It feels quite jarring, even for her. Her ruthlessness when it comes to killing also isn't something that I'd expect before, but as it ties to her moral code, it's also not something that feels wrong. I'd think that, while she doesn't fear death, she might fear killing. Despite having one of the higher kill-score among her classmates, the memory of that clearly haunts her. This implies a rather clean division in her mind about who deserves to die by her blade. That's what I did not expect. I'd imagine she'd still care about who or why, though, so Sandatsu would be mistaken in believing they were much the same. I pity Junichi getting stuck between a rock and a hard place like that. And he even gets the blame for Sandy's arrival in the end! At least he has fond memories of arguments with a certain girl to keep him by. Making Junichi joining Shiketsu more official is a nice treat for the end of the writefag. A happy ending in a way. Adding a romantic context to it makes it all the more sweet. --- I enjoyed it, despite my tiredness. I like the way you incorporated the writefags of others, with a direct reference to establish the hook, avoiding too much repetition, and then expanding on it from a different perspective. Style wise, there were some mistakes, but usually, they were minor ones, that didn't interfere with understanding nor enjoying the text. The extra insight into Chihiro's personality was interesting. Thanks for cooking.