##->Max Briar's Extra Cool Super Report!!<-## !!! note The Tards and the Wranglers **Bubba Hickory** Tard "Briar, if you work hard, you might grow to be an asset as useful as Bubba here." Ive got one word for you - it's FUCK YOU! I don't wanna grow up to be Bubba. Nobody wants to grow up to be Bubba. Even Bubba don't wanna be Bubba. Ever think the reason I'm not showing off is cause you keep comparing me to the lughead? I'll show all you bastards, some day. Sanguikinesis is only the start, I'll break out the ~~Osteo~~ Boneokinesis and turn some spines into pretzels. Bubba himself, though? He's alright. Little slow, but who ain't compared to me? Pretty fun when you got to know'im, great at karaoke and poker, overall nice guy so long as you don't mention The Hole. Haven't seen him in a while... Kinda miss the big retard. **Zoe Arleth** Tard, Wannabe Wrangler So there was I, on the field of honorable battle, facing off with miss gaylord. And she couldn't do shit ta me, since she's a precog fighter and didn't put any real sweat in. And I was workin it, tryin to give her some dentistry with a metal pipe I found, and turns out she's, y'know, one of them tankie types. She's flailin cause her reflexes sendin her all wrong, I'm flailin cause my pipe bent in half when it hit her head, she asks me how the hell I'm doing it. Well I'm a precognitive bald spot, bitch, so I totally woulda crushed her if this was a fair fight. Anyway I tripped into her fist and she liquified half my organs, which blew, and then the proctor guy said it was a learning experience for both of us. Bitch what? Only thing I learned is that R&D should toss me that telekill sword already! I'd bring me up to 3% of my power and let me actually HURT the people I'm sposed to fight. I don't got gentle fists and she's the one with the bakugan, so how'm I gonna deal with the tankie legions? Would it really kill ya to let me kill people properlike? Wait, try injectin me with telekill particles, I'll form them into a telekill blood sword. It'd be metal as all hell. Right, yeah, 'personality assessment', right. Yeah I dunno, quiet? I wasn't paying attention, I hate this bitch so much its unreal. She's got auto-fight mode, super hardness, and my blood swords, it's like she's made to piss me right off. Well, she survived The Hole so I can cutter some slack. **Nei Savnet** Tard First time I saw this guy was through the gaps in the Max Threat cells. Unrelated, it's cool that they named a whole threat level after me, though it's pretty annoying to live here. Anyway, Nei's a cockhead. "Hurr, durr, I've got a loada power and think I'm god" Yeah, join the club. He asked if I wanted a burger, gave me a burger-shaped rock from outta Hell, then shat on me when I woudn't eat it. Verbally, not, y'know. Thinks he's better than me, which is way off since I'm better than he is. Suck it. Damn, he's laughing at me as I write this. Fuck off, burger flopper. I'll be outta here once Command start ignoring me again, and you'll get to stay boxed. **Olivia Solace** Tard Look, just sayin' that wantin' to be friends with somebody who's already had all their friends die once already is a losin' strategy. I'd rather not end up as one of those ghosts she keeps talkin to. Not sayin I would, I'd survive anything, but... She keeps mumblin about curses, elder gods, and the afterlife. I've seen Warlock 4: The Doors of Hell, I know how this ends. **Bradley Anderson** Wrangler He's pretty big. Makes a good human shield. Pretty cool dude, almost as smart as my genius self, but I don't get the "rah rah America" thing. I mean, ghettos and militaries are basically the same everywhere, right? Iunno, I like'im. It's nice to have a big guy fighting for ya rather than trying to stick you in The Hole. **Matthew Archer** Wrangler He's probably gonna read this, isn't he? Bastard's sick in the head, and I feel sick whenever I'm near'im. And I mean, we all remember what he did to that one kid. Keeps reminding us, too. Should not be allowed around children. Worst part is, think he wants to put me in The Hole. **THE GREATEST** And THE WRANGLEST too, don't you forget it. This whole entire operation would fall *a*-fuckin-*part* if it wasn't for my Max Threat leadership skillz. Normally humans fear the appearance of a higher life form, but I'm disabled enough of my brain circuitry to live like the rest of yas. I'm a woman of the people, and the people love me for it. When I awaken my true form, I'll eat the ones that dont with extra mayo, the assholes. What I'm sayin is that I need two more referals to get cleared for field work, and I got one right here. >Max Briar would be the best asset you could ask for From Max Briar, so you know it's only the most valid truth. Think about it bossman, it'd be great. !!! info The Glowing Ones **David Galliard** Lemme tell ya a story. So durin the monthly GLOWBRIGHT basketball league, I saw this little freshy boy try to get on the court 'cause he thought it looked like fun. Danceman bitchslapped the kid so hard his head came unscrewed, and then dunked it through the hoop back onto his body so hard he turned into jam. Shit was so fucked up, they had to bury the lil dude in a thermos. Look, I'll fuck with pretty much anybody. Not this guy. If I hafta, I'd rather be the bitch on floor scraping duty again, not the bitch getting jammed. Now that I think bout it, he might be what happens when you put a guy in The Hole too much. Kinda scary. **Agent Adams** Best comedy in the Center is watching his face when me or the Archer guy walk by his office and all of his mindslaves start tweaking. Other than that he keeps to himself and his collection of body pillows. Creepy guy, but I feel like we've got some kinda connection, deep down. Deep, deep down. So far down you couldn't spot it with a microscope. **Moe White** Why'd they let this house nigga play with the rest of us field niggas? You'd think John Adams would own him too, but nah, he's an abolitionist apparently. He's the GLOWBRIGHT artillery division but all I've seen'im do is smirk under those sunglasses when he's roasting some kid for Command to chow down on. Those shades are hella slick, though. Jealous I can't get any, it'd stop the mortals from running when they see my majestic eyes. **Sierra Alpha** They warned us about SA in the briefings, but I still don't get what 'sex' is and nobody's linin up to explain it, so it's a mystery. She's kinda a hero to me, tho? Like if you get strong enough you can go around callin yourself Agent SA and nobody does shit bout it. When I unlock my ultimate demonic powers, I'll go around doin the same, SA'ing all the cute boys. I mean, if we had some, l o l Nah wait, they ain't sposed to like it. Maybe I'll SA Zoe, see how she likes it. !!! warning The Other Guys I'm seein some more names but I have no idea who owns'em. --- I hope you enjoyed reading this report as much as I enjoyed writing it. Didn't have nothing to say 'bout most of these losers so I just made a buncha shit up. Now it's waaaaaay more fun to read. If you ever need more, just ask for more reports! !!! danger From: My Groupie~* - Where do I even start with this? - Next time, include the information requested. - Do not include misinformation, disinformation, malinformation, or outright lies in your reports, not even to "spice things up". - Do not include your plans to commit crimes or harassment of other agents. - Do not refer to your squad, or any other Center member as 'losers', 'tards', 'morons', or otherwise. - Or any other slurs. This should not need to be mentioned, and further infractions will see you in a hearing or a hearse. - Again. - Writing a report in your own blood does not make it 'extra cool', it damages the photocopier and sticks to the other papers. I've declined to show this to Central Command to save your life. They've still sentenced you to The Hole for it. Please take things more seriously. Later on, Max would go on to have an ok time in The Hole. Nowhere near as bad as it's made it out to be.